I was going to write a review on a game called Diplomacy, but thought this comic would sum it up nicely.

-Groggy

Well, this is certainly not a new game. In fact it was first published in 1995 before terms like ‘owned’, ’served’ and ’schooled’ were the proper terms to hurl toward people you wished to humiliate. The point of the game is to let everyone know how good you are by winning. There are various methods of showing them that, the most prominent being scoring the most ‘victory points’ (I like to call them ‘coffin nails’) by building settlements and cities on a randomized hexagon map. That isn’t the only way though! You can also lay the smack down by building a lot of road or using your personal armies to steal from your opponents. Are you still not feeling like this is the most exciting and brutal game in existence? Well, you say that now, until your opponent serves you a cold plate of “Now I have the longest road!” or “Hell no I won’t trade with you, you stole my longest road!” The excitement tends to heat up rapidly toward the end where direct theft and threats of personal injury are the currency of choice. And lo, it culminates into a heated battle surrounded by a moat of lava and rife with peril in those last grabs for the final point. I once saw a man jump on a robber baron to save his city. Brave though it was, that city went without food and perished from the thoughts of men. I saw someone cut low and entire forest and pillage an innocent settler for brick, just to connect her two cities in twin spires of devilish glory. I even witnessed with my very eyes an opponent stab the person next to him with a development card. Little did he know that his merciless act of homicide sealed his own fate as well. Dare ye who tread these murky waters of settlement and despair, know that your life is forfeit… until there is a bathroom break.

Easy learning curve	Destruction
Good amount of strategy	Dread
Addictive	Doom

-Groggy

Here is my first comic attempt. This is recounting a recent experience playing D&D.

-Groggy

I rarely purchase games on the release date, instead opting to wait for the hype to die down and the truth be revealed by the masses before parting with money better spent on beer. In this case, I made an exception. I made the drive personally to GameStop the day prior to ensure my purchase followed by the day where I victoriously emerged from the store, clutching my prize unfettered by a bag to better display it to all who remained without.

When I purchase a new game that I feel will be a memorable experience I often wait before embarking on that endeavor. I make sure the room is just right; the windows shaded, the sound adjusted, the furniture in the right place, food and water made and placed at the ready. It is as if I am preparing for a sacred ritual that will thrust my consciousness into a state in which my physical body may not be allowed to move ever again. This day was no different. After preparing the Temple of Samus accordingly I let the title screen run while I adjusted the stereo to give the best possible space-faring effect and finally sat down to play.

The control scheme, as you may have heard, is rather intuitive. I would go beyond this assessment and say that it is downright natural! From the moment control is given to your hand, to the moment of full understanding of the controls is a good 30 seconds. Not only was it easy, but it felt right! No, no, that’s not it. It felt god damned awesome! No, that didn’t really convey what I wanted to say. Look, I have a freaking cannon - ON MY ARM! The experience was so immersive that if a creature not from this world were to burst through my living room door, I would undoubtedly point my Wiimote at it and press fire with no hesitation in my heart.

The game itself is great. The art is beautiful, the effects stunning, the creatures intelligent and challenging. In fact, there have been many times where I see some detail in a wall or in the sky and I just take a moment to look at it. One part in particular was a wall that had some tubes that looked like roots running in and out of it, only the roots were moving, like snakes. I switched my my scanner expecting this to be something significant and was delighted to discover that this was just part of the art. The normal fare of puzzles and power restricted areas are still prominent but the objectives of your missions are more linear and you are less prone to take fruitless detours. I would even say that the objectives were even more well thought out than previous iterations as you have an overall objective and some minor goals to accomplish before that final task can be achieved. With 1 and 2 it was really just item to item, the interim filled with back tracking to find the places you could reach with new abilities. You may think that this deviates from the traditional Metroid model but I feel none of the old flavor diminished. Instead I feel that some of the frustration has been removed with as little sacrifice as possible. There is a unique addition to the game with your ship. Remote communications can initiate everything from a landing site pickup to a remote bombing run. The inside of the cockpit is even interactive in that you are able to manipulate the controls for things like blast shields, maps, scanners, and limited ship control. The whole experience really takes the whole ship idea past a plot connector to a part of your character. Also, did I mention you have a freaking cannon - ON YOUR ARM? My shoulder is quite sore as a result actually.

The very few downsides I might site are in no way game breaking, but are worth mentioning. First, a lack of cardinal direction arrows on the maps leads to constant switching to the map to verify which direction you are going. Some of the controls to interact with switches and levers can be a little unresponsive if the Wii has to sense the Wiimote getting closer or further away from the screen. The reticule can be really hard to see at times. That’s about it.

The last point I will make about the game is that it has finally broken all of the stereotype comments about the Wii being a cartoon kids system with no possibility of a serious game. This game is dark, serious, challenging and may very well be the best FPS control scheme ever created. There is no doubt that a high-quality intense competition level shooter could be produced on this machine that would pit twitch gamers against each other, locked in deadly combat swinging their remotes with grim expressions and sweat on their brow. I await that day in anticipation, a gleam in my eye, a cruel smirk and a freaking cannon on my arm.

Freaking cannon on arm	No compass
Art makes Dali look like a panzy	Invisible cross-hairs
Space ships and explosions	Sore shoulder, from freaking cannon on arm

-Groggy

I recently played game called Puerto Rico from Rio Grande Games. The basic premise of the game is that you are a wealthy developer who wishes to run numerous plantations to produce various goods and export them to other countries for vast amounts of profit. I noticed that there is a detail about the game that you have to ignore in order to assume political correctness, namely that the plantation workers are little brown wooden pieces. I found that it is best to say that these workers were volunteers who were provided nice homes and free health care. Once you are past the moral blockade, you can begin ‘hiring’ your ‘volunteers’. The game has a somewhat complex set-up which varies depending on the number of players there are. The turns are done in a very interesting way where the governor of the town rotates and gets to move first by choosing which event will happen first. One of the events is the Captain. When you get the captain, he sails with all the goods to sell. We decided this was loosely related to rum and decided to make a game of it. Every time the captain sailed, we all drank a shot of rum. The problem with most drinking games in their infancy is very little thought has gone into how long the players can withstand the stated pace. Compounded by liquid courage you often have a game that slaughters people halfway through. This was just such a case.

Regardless of the debauchery I experienced at the hands of wicked cardboard tiller wheels, I must note one of the most fascinating aspects of this game. That is the complete lack of luck. There are no dice or random cards. If everyone makes the same moves from game to game, the game will end exactly the same. That’s the kind of game I really like because it all comes down to pure tactics. All in all, this takes its place as one of my favorite board games of all time and I encourage everyone to shed their moral high ground and realize your potential as a … low income housing developer.

Good drinking game	Tricky setup
100% skill	Brown pieces
Pirate ships	No explosions

-Groggy